Lesson eight - use motivational self-talk
Have you ever listened to a motivational talk that really gets you excited, feeling like you can take on the world? For a long time, I actually thought talks like that were a little absurd.
I thought they were absurd because, for fleeting moments, they made me feel like I was successful, as though I had already done something great. The feeling of satisfaction removed the need to actually do anything - so I saw it as empty satisfaction.
However, in recent years, I've come to believe that there is actually some wisdom in this content. Motivational self-talk can be a powerful alternative to how we usually talk to ourselves.
When we're procrastinating, our self-talk is often hypercritical. We tell ourselves things like, “I am so lazy! I wish I had started earlier! There's no point in trying anymore”, or “I'll probably struggle to make progress anyway, so what’s the point in starting.”
This type of self-critical talk can backfire. Though intended as a 'tough love' approach, this self-chastising creates even more pressure, driving us to avoid the task even further.
One of the foundational principles in psychology is that organisms, including humans, avoid things that punish them. It’s a natural instinct to distance ourselves from anything associated with pain or discomfort. So if we associate some task with self-criticism and punishment, we're probably going to avoid that task.
In certain contexts, we viscerally understand this concept, while in others, we seem to miss it. For instance, imagine you are the parent of a child playing a weekend sport. Now, also imagine your child is anxious to get out onto the field. Would you rather your child have a coach who is really critical of them, shouts at them, puts them down? Or would you rather them have a coach who is supportive and encouraging - using words of affirmation to get them onto the field?
It’s obvious in this scenario that a supportive coach is better. Criticizing the child is only going to make them avoid the sport even more! This is exactly analogous to trying to get yourself to do a task you're procrastinating on. Framing things this way, it's clear that you should replace your self-criticism with motivational self-talk. It's a more helpful way of talking to yourself that can actually make it easier to get past the starting threshold.
Using motivational self-talk is a skill. In fact, there are better and worse ways of using it. The most effective self-talk has three defining characteristics.
Separate the behavior from the person. The first characteristic is that it separates your behavior from who you are as a person. Self-critical talk often draws broad, global conclusions about our personal qualities. For example, when we fail to complete a task, we tell ourselves that we are “lazy” or “worthless”. Broad conclusions like that generally aren't helpful because they don’t leave you anywhere to go. Instead, it's more helpful to focus on specific behaviors. Concluding that you need to start homework assignments earlier is a much more productive conclusion than “I am a fundamentally lazy person”.
Focus on the future. The second characteristic of effective self-talk is that it focuses on what can be done in the future, rather than dwelling on what hasn't been done. You can’t change the past, but you can change whatever is happening right now and in the future.
Replace “I have to” with “I choose to”. Lastly, the third characteristic of effective self-talk is that it gets rid of phrases like “I have to”, “I should”, and “I must” and replaces them with phrases like “I choose”, “I would prefer”, and “I will”. For example, instead of saying “I have to get this done,” you could say, “I choose to work on this task.”
Stringing those three characteristics together, we can replace self-critical phrases with positive self-talk. For example: “I should have started this weeks ago, I can’t believe I’ve let it get to this point. I’m so lazy!” can be replaced with a phrase like this: “Just because I haven’t started doesn't mean anything bad about me. I will focus on making a small start now”.
Here are a few more examples of effective motivational statements:
Progress takes time, and it's okay to start small. I will celebrate each step forward!
I’m not going to let perfect be the enemy of good! I’m just going to focus on making progress.
Even though I feel overwhelmed, I know I am capable. I just need to take it one step at a time.
At first, talking to yourself in this way might feel a little unnatural. We are often good at being motivational and encouraging towards others, but not so good at directing that towards ourselves. You might even struggle to think of something encouraging to say to yourself. If you do, start by imagining yourself as the anxious child on the sports field. Write down what you would say to them to encourage and motivate them to step onto the field.
This may sound a little odd, but trust me, it works!
Key ideas:
Self-criticism makes it hard to start because it builds up even more pressure around the task. It creates the need to escape by procrastinating.
To get yourself unstuck, you can replace self-criticism with motivational self-talk.
Effective self-talk has three characteristics:
It separates your behavior from who you are as a person.
It focuses on what can be done now and in the future, rather than dwelling on the past.
It replaces phrases like “I have to” and “I should” with “I choose to” and “I will”.
This article is an adaptation of the eighth audio lesson of Doer: the science-based guide to overcoming procrastination. For good! Discover the root cause of your procrastination and start mastering the skill of accomplishing important tasks by downloading "Doer" today!
